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How do you find your way out of a place where it feels like you could be doing so much more, but yet you can’t seem to find your footing?

It feels like I can’t seem to find the silver linings in my accomplishments.

Every accomplishment seems to bring on a new set of worries about the next step afterward.

It feels as if I am floating in and out of waves. A boat forever looking to land ashore. Every time I feel like I see a bit of land, I close my eyes and open them again, and it feels like it was all a  figment of my imagination. 

I am a sailor on a never-ending sea. 

Maybe that’s why I’m not a big fan of water. At least on land, you know it ends somewhere. Or, in the air, all you have to do is come down. But water is continuous, and most of the planet is made of water, so the ratio is a lot more one-sided. 

I have no footing in water, or at least maybe I just haven’t acquired the power to walk on water yet.

Sometimes I wonder if these waves of indifference are a part of my genetic makeup or something. Am I prone to disturbance and I inclined to sadness? Why am I so got damn sad all the time now? Trying to look forward to things just feels like so much of a chore but feeling down all the time is just as draining. 

Where is the in-between?

I wished I had more words to say, but I guess I’ve hit a block again. I’m not sure if it’s a blockage because I am transitioning from one phase of my life to another, and I feel secretly scared about it. I am afraid that the second go-around will be a letdown. I am so afraid of inching closer to living a mediocre life or that I may be mediocre. Will I ever land at some point? Will I ever find the thing that I have been looking for?

Why the hell am I never satisfied?

Questions I ask myself a lot more now than ever. Am I just making things more difficult for myself, or is there an underlying reason? What is it that still feels so incomplete, and why the hell can’t I just get over it? This journey is highly frustrating. It seems like all I can imagine now is salty seawater.  

Why haven’t I gotten back to land yet? I belong to the Earth, not the water. I bend Earth, not water. Or at least that’s what I think. Why are my troubles wrapped with seaweed? Why is there always sand weighing down my thoughts? 

What is the sea trying to tell me? 

Float home or float on?

I haven’t exactly found home yet, so I guess the answer is obvious, right?

Well, safe travels, I suppose.